October 2014 Posts

4 Good Reasons to Get Married

4 Good reasons to get married

Although there are some reasons not to get married, there are many very good reasons to get married. Here are a few of them:


1. God designed marriage 

In Genesis 2:24, Moses makes this editorial comment about an intended major takeaway from Genesis 1-2: “Therefore a man should stop living in a dependent relationship with his parents (as well as other overly dependent relationships) and enter into an unconditional commitment with his wife, and over time they will become one together” (my expanded translation of the Hebrew text).

Obviously God designed us as men and women (Genesis 1:27) on purpose and calls us to become one in a marriage relationship. Marriage is God’s idea and it’s His design for us as men and women, generally. Even though Paul says God has given some select people the gift of singleness (1 Corinthians 7:7-9), he calls it a gift for a reason, because it’s not the norm. There may be reasons not to get married yet. But far and away, marriage is God’s design for men and women.


2. You’re convinced that you mutually NEED each other

I’m not talking about “we get along,” or “we have fun together” or “it would be nice to get married.” I’m talking about “I NEED this person; and they NEED me.” When looking at Genesis 2:18-24, it’s interesting how God says, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a companion that finishes him out.”

Then God brings the animals before the man and he names them. And he names them in part based on skeletal structure and skin type (Genesis 2:23), the same primary factors we use today in naming and classifying animals. All this animal naming seemed random to me until I realized that Adam was carefully analyzing the animals as he named them, obviously also noticing that there were male and female pairs among all the animals.

It’s then that the text says Adam realized that it was not good for him to be alone. He realized his NEED, and when he and Eve meet, they see each other as the fulfillment of this NEED.


3. We are better together

God designed us to be relational beings, as He is, not as loners. I’ve read a number of studies that have shown the health and life expectancy of people is prolonged by healthy relationships and diminished by lack of healthy relationships. But being better together is not just about happiness. It also helps rub off the rough edges that we each have in our lives – rough edges like our selfishness. I never realized how selfish I was until I married Judy. Being married was like putting a spotlight on my selfishness, and it forced me to begin dealing with it in earnest.

Being married forces you to develop your communication skills and your conflict resolution skills. It forces you to face your real self, not the self you have wanted to see. There’s nothing like a spouse, who sees you day in and day out, in the good, bad and ugly times to see yourself in the mirror of reality. If you want to live in denial and remain selfish, then marriage is a dangerous proposition.


4. Intimacy, Closeness, Oneness

This doesn’t just mean sex. We live in a world where most people are willing to settle for cheap substitutes for the intimacy, closeness and true oneness that God designed us for, and longs for us to experience. Trying out relationships by living together and couples hooking up for sex have become Satan’s cheap substitutes for the deep, abiding intimacy we were designed for and long for down deep inside. A marriage that has continued to deal with their individual baggage in a committed I-will-be-here-for-you-no-matter-what relationship can and will grow in oneness over time – a closeness that far surpasses any live-in or hook-up relationship.

Seven Reasons NOT to Get Married


Of course there are many good reasons to get married, which I will cover later. But there are also some very poor reasons to get married. Here are seven big ones.

Don’t get married because:

1. Everybody else is doing it.

I once met with a couple and asked them why they wanted to get married. And why to this person? The young man responded, “Well, I’m the last of all my friends to get married. And she’s the best thing to come along in quite a while, and I’m not sure anyone better will come along.” Guess how that made his fiancé feel! She chose not to marry the guy. Good for her.

2. Your parents and friends keep asking when you’re getting married.

We should never get married just because we want to get people we love off our backs. Or because we want to please them. Sometimes people we love and who love us just want what they believe is best for us, but we should never get married to someone just because we feel pressure. It will set us up to marry the wrong person for the wrong reasons.

3. You’re attracted to this person.

Don’t get me wrong. You should be attracted to the person you marry. But there has to be more to it than that. Over the course of your life, you will be attracted to many people of the opposite sex, and obviously that doesn’t mean you should marry them. If attraction is your primary reason for marrying a person, it could very well be your primary reason for leaving them someday for somebody else – someone you may be attracted to even more.

4. You get to have sex anytime you want – with God’s blessing!

For many Christians, this seems to be one of their primary reasons for getting married: legitimate sex. Sex is a beautiful creation of God for the enjoyment of a husband and wife. Nothing is wrong with wanting to have an intimate sexual relationship with a spouse. Just be careful not to make this your only or even primary reason for getting married. You can’t build a relationship on sex alone. Realize, even if you had sex an hour every single day of the year, you would still have to figure out how to relate with that person the other 23 hours each day.

5. This person will make you happy.

There is nothing wrong with happiness. However, too many people get married wanting their new spouse to be for them what only God can be. For example, a spouse can help replace aloneness, but never loneliness. Neither can a spouse fill that spiritual emptiness that is in you. They will never provide that absolute peace and comfort that can only come from God. Even though they may make it easier to be happy in some situations, sometimes they can also make it easier to be frustrated and feel like pulling your hair out.

6. You can fix the wounded puppy.

Some people learn to get by and get what they want in life by playing the wounded puppy, wanting others to come to their rescue and take care of them. It is always good to care for people who are truly wounded. Just be leery of marrying the wounded puppy so you can fix them. Only God can heal the brokenhearted, the broken minded and the emotionally broken. Let God fix them. Don’t marry to fix what only God can fix. The tenderhearted are often susceptible to this. I often told my daughter, who would bring home a wounded puppy as her new friend, “It’s okay to be friends with a wounded puppy. Just don’t marry one.”

7. You want to change them after you’re married.

Unlike the wounded puppy where you might feel pity for someone, you really like this person – except for this annoying habit or that flaw in their personality. It drives you crazy that they are a slob or a neat freak, but you think, once we’re married I can help them change that. Don’t count on it. Maybe they’re really a great person, but their spiritual life is questionable, so you think, I’ll help them grow in that area after we’re married. Don’t count on it. Nobody wants to be somebody else’s project. Can you marry the person the way they are now? Even if they never change – even once they’re married to you?

How Not to Be an Authentic Disciple of Christ


  1. Pretend you’re perfect

It is human nature to want others to see the best in you. It’s the same reason you work so diligently to clean the house before company comes over. You want them to think your life is ordered and well maintained, but the junk drawers and hall closets of your spiritual life are still full of stuff you shoved in there to hide from your guests. It is all a façade.

Realizing others see parts of your life and make judgments about you, you may find yourself forcing it or faking things so you look like a Christian to others around you by doing seemingly compassionate things. People may be drawn to you at first because of your knowledge of the Bible, the good things you do and your generally confident demeanor, but over time most of them will gravitate away from you. They will experience the lack of heart development in you, and whether they can say why or not, they will know something is wrong.

  1. Act like a Christian should

In general, people do not believe human beings can truly change. You can train yourself to make different kinds of choices so you appear to have changed, but all that has changed is your outward behavior, not the essence of who you are.

Most Christians have applied this same unbiblical idea to Christianity and the church. You try to look different and act differently, like a Christian. The super disciplined find some success due to their internally motivated, rule following bias. However, they tend to only deal with the external behavior without necessarily dealing with the heart. While a few may experience short-term victory, they seldom experience true, long-term vibrancy in Christ. You might do things that seem generous or sacrificial on the outside, but down deep you do them for selfish reasons.

Yet God promised to make you a different person, not just make you appear as a different person on the outside.

  1. Add more to your calendar

Many pastors and religious authors convey that all you really need is more commitment. You need to get your priorities straight. You need to be more consistent, more passionate, more involved, more diligent, more devoted. So you fill your calendar with religious activities, hang out with religious people and read religious books, but never truly change.

For the most part, plans and programs will leave you empty and frustrated. Although they may include some good ideas, they never seem to have all the necessary components to really help you understand and take deliberate steps toward becoming more like Christ.

  1. Compare yourself to others

You give more than most. You attend church services more than most. You have higher morals than most Christians you know. You have had more church experiences than most people you know. You know your Bible better than most. You are more gifted than most. Or you volunteer more than anyone you know.

It is easy to view maturity like the world does and think you are better than most people you know, so that must make you mature. If that is the case, your measuring rod is just a relative comparison to other fallen people.

But God wants you to be truly mature. To Him, your maturity is measured by comparison to Jesus, not to other fallen people and not by your own standards. You need to focus on Jesus to attain “the knowledge of the Son of God” (Ephesians 4:13), so you can grow and become as mature as Him.

  1. When all else fails, try harder

Many Christians have replaced the felt need to be Humbly Submitted in their heart to God with self-discipline. There is nothing wrong with self-discipline, unless it is a cloaked substitute for humbly submitting your heart to Him as the Lord, the Master of your life. Through your self-discipline you can naturally drift into the illusion that you can do this, that you can live the maturing Christian life and make life work the way God intended, which just isn’t true. That is not humble submission. That’s delusional pride.

Doing things your own way will be increasingly frustrating and self-defeating. As long as you think and live as if it’s up to you, you will be hopelessly stuck in the whirlpool of do good, try hard and fail. If you are trying to change by your own effort, you are wasting your time and energy on the impossible. You are looking at yourself to effect ongoing life change. Until you let go of the idea that it’s all up to you, you are still trying to be your own functional savior and will never truly become like Christ.

The first thing you have to understand and believe if you are going to experience authentic life change, is that all genuine, authentic life change begins with God. Not you. He is the change agent. Not you. He has initiated a life change plan for you and He will never give up. He will never walk away in disgust. He will never quit on you, “for He Himself has said, ‘I will never desert you, nor will I ever forsake you’” (Hebrews 13:5).